phyre102887 on Xanga

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

I gots nothing...

I'm feeling so much better. I think some of my problems are nutritionally based also. I have such a horrible diet. I've been taking vitamins and working out everyday and it seems to be helping a lot. I'm much happier, and have less anxiety. I also start school soon. I'm trying to go full time this semester. it'll be good for me to get out of the house and to be doing something productive. Speaking of being productive, I really need to start sculpting again some i can have a little spare cash. But nothing really interesting is going on in my life at the moment. this stupid blog is more of a place for me to vent or just get ideas out on paper. It helps me clear my head. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm in a much better place than I've been in a real long time, and it feels good. My mom would always get mad at me because I've always been a very persistent person and it would drive her crazy. The way I look at it though is that if I weren't a persistent person, with everything I've been through and had to deal with, i would've given up a long time ago. Persistence is what leads to success, so I'm going to keep going no matter how many times life kicks me in my ass until I reach my goals. After reaching my goals, I'll set new goals. I feel that having "its good enough" type of attitude means that you'll be willing to settle for the bare minimum just to get through life. Anything can be improved in some way. You can always be doing better. At least thats the mindset i try to stay in so its easier for me to continue working hard to get somewhere in my life. It'll happen, I know what I'm capable of and won't settle for good enough.

Tuesday, 02 February 2010

Life still doesn't feel right

Even though it doesn't feel right yet, I do feel as though I'm headed in the right direction. I think figuring out what I want to do for a career and how I'm going to get there will really improve my anxiety. The best thing for me and my family will be for me to move out of here. I've been extremely edgy and feeling a bit depressed lately and I'm having a hell of a time trying to figure out what it is exactly that's bothering me. I think part of it is because of a complicated personal relationship I'm involved in is stressing me out. I wish I could get away from everything here and start fresh. Maybe grab my dog, a westfalia, and some cash and just drive away. See the country, and go where I feel like it. It'd be nice not having to worry about anything other than gas for the bus and food.
My little brother joined the army and is shipping out for training in April. It must feel so awesome to know you're getting away for this mess while doing something productive with your life. I've been thinking about heading out to the Air Force or Coast Guard but I don't know if I'm a good match for the military....but it doesn't matter if I am or not. I'm getting to the point where I'm going to have to make a decision, and being a decision made from a place of desperation, will probably not be the right choice...But I feel so overwhelmed and so it's hard to figure out what I should do. My thoughts are spinning around. I'll figure it out eventually.

Sunday, 27 September 2009

A few missing pieces of the puzzle...

           I went on a trip today to visit some family members I haven't seen since I was 6 or so. It was much more relaxed then I thought it would be. Heard some stories that I never heard before and had some more missing pieces put back into my life. I found out some things about my biological mom that makes me hate her even more, and I really hope I never see her again. I also feel bad for my grandma...it seems like me being taken away really hurt her. She calls one of her grand kids Jamie all the time, and I think it's because she didnt get to be there for me and she still has some pain for the whole ordeal. I saw my brother which was pretty cool. Him and I were best buds when I was young and I was happy to know that he really missed me. I also got some more information about the car accident I was in. When the doctors were trying to sew up my forehead, I was crying and freaking out. They were supposed to wait for the plastic surgeon to come and do it, but they didnt and my brother got really upset. He had to be restrained and put on a different side of the hospital.
          I wish that my grandpa would've let my grandma adopt me instead of to the family im with now. I think my life would have been much easier being around people who experienced what I went through first hand. I have so many emotional issues, and low self esteem. My adoptive family blames me for a lot of stuff that happened that I had no control over. I feel like none of them care about me. But at least I'm in contact with my old family now, so all I can do is try to start off where we left off. Hopefully I'll get some of my issues resolved and become a happier and healthier person. I know it sounds stupid, but its a great feeling to know that there are people who love you when you feel so alone.
          It's a given that my mother is a sick individual and has problems, but the things they told me about her were horrible. I guess she took me from the hospital after I was born and hid me. She wouldn't feed me for days. I was super skinny when my grandma got me. It turns out that she would feed me plant food until I would throw up. She would also grab me by the ankles, hang me upside down, and would hit me until I would vomit because she was fucking high as hell on drugs and was paranoid that the county was trying to poison me. Her and my dad also had a ton of illegal weapons and when they found out the cops were going to raid their house, the took the drugs and guns, but left me. I was just a piece of trash to them.
         All I can do now is just keep trying to put my life back together and try to not let the past fuck with my head too much.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

Life kills...

I don't really know what to say as always. I just feel as though my life has pretty much fallen apart in the last few years. Now its time for me to clean up the pieces and try to start over. I'm still dealing with my anxiety issues...they're better but are by no means at a tolerable state. My ex-boyfriend made me get rid of all my snakes...but I at least have a dog now. She's an 11 month old bullmastiff, named Nina. She's a trained service dog and helps me manage my anxiety. I pretty much lost all of my friends when my boyfriend and I split up, and I'm still having the same issues with my family. The only thing that even comes close to the misery of having anxiety is the overwhelming sense of loneliness and despair I feel on a constant basis. The stressors from my situation in life would be so much more easy to deal with and overcome if I wasn't so horribly unhappy and lonely. I'm surrounded by people and I don't have one meaningful relationship. Its like being out in the middle of the ocean on a life raft, dying of thrist while still being surrounded by water. I don't know...I don't have a direction in life...and I'm not sure how long I can keep forcing myself to try....