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Sunday, 27 September 2009

  • A few missing pieces of the puzzle...

               I went on a trip today to visit some family members I haven't seen since I was 6 or so. It was much more relaxed then I thought it would be. Heard some stories that I never heard before and had some more missing pieces put back into my life. I found out some things about my biological mom that makes me hate her even more, and I really hope I never see her again. I also feel bad for my grandma...it seems like me being taken away really hurt her. She calls one of her grand kids Jamie all the time, and I think it's because she didnt get to be there for me and she still has some pain for the whole ordeal. I saw my brother which was pretty cool. Him and I were best buds when I was young and I was happy to know that he really missed me. I also got some more information about the car accident I was in. When the doctors were trying to sew up my forehead, I was crying and freaking out. They were supposed to wait for the plastic surgeon to come and do it, but they didnt and my brother got really upset. He had to be restrained and put on a different side of the hospital.
              I wish that my grandpa would've let my grandma adopt me instead of to the family im with now. I think my life would have been much easier being around people who experienced what I went through frist hand. I have so many emotional issues, and low self esteem. My adoptive family blames me for a lot of stuff that happened that I had no control over. I feel like none of them care about me. But at least I'm in contact with my old family now, so all I can do is try to start off where we left off. Hopefully I'll get some of my issues resolved and become a happier and healthier person. I know it sounds stupid, but its a great feeling to know that there are people who love you when you feel so alone.
              It's a given that my mother is a sick individual and has problems, but the things they told me about her were horrible. I guess she took me from the hospital after I was born and hid me. She wouldn't feed me for days. I was super skinny when my grandma got me. It turns out that she would feed me plant food until I would throw up. She would also grab me by the ankles, hang me upside down, and would hit me until I would vomit because she was fucking high as hell on drugs and was paranoid that the county was trying to poison me. Her and my dad also had a ton of illegal weapons and when they found out the cops were going to raid their house, the took the drugs and guns, but left me. I was just a piece of trash to them.
             All I can do now is just keep trying to put my life back together and try to not let the past fuck with my head too much.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

  • Life kills...

     I don't really know what to say as always. I just feel as though my life has pretty much fallen apart in the last few years. Now its time for me to clean up the pieces and try to start over. I'm still dealing with my anxiety issues...they're better but are by no means at a tolerable state. My abusive ex-boyfriend made me get rid of all my snakes...but I at least have a dog now. She's an 11 month old bullmastiff, named Nina. She's a trained service dog and helps me manage my anxiety. I pretty much lost all of my friends when my boyfriend and I split up, and I'm still having the same issues with my family. The only thing that even comes close to the misery of having anxiety is the overwhelming sense of loneliness and despair I feel on a constant basis. The stressors from my situation in life would be so much more easy to deal with and overcome if I wasn't so horribly unhappy and lonely. I'm surrounded by people and I don't have one meaningful relationship. Its like being out in the middle of the ocean on a life raft, dying of thrist while still being surrounded by water. I don't know...I don't have a direction in life...and I'm not sure how long I can keep forcing myself to try....

Friday, 25 September 2009

Saturday, 26 March 2005

  • Yesterday I went to the Static-X concert at the Galxay, which was so awsome. My mom, cody and I were driving down to santa ana for the concert. I spotted a black truck that looked like the one I saw in the Static-X video " where the hell are we and what day is it". Jokingly I said "Hey that looks like wayne's truck" ( for anyone who doesnt know, wayne is the lead singer)...we drove up next to them and looked in and there was wayn sitting in the truck with a girl and nick the drummer. we rolled down our windows and threw up the devil horns ( the heavy metal sign) and flashed our tickets, he nodded at us, like " Right on!" . We got to the concert, saw a few bands before we got to see Static some were pretty good and some were not so good. I got to do what ive always wanted to do!! I got to go to the front of the pit, right in front of the stage. Then Static-X came on. The crowd was going crazy, There was a huge moshpit, people were crowd surfing and pissing off the secruity, n there were a few fights that broke out.there were so many people in a really small place. We were packed together, jumping up and down, banging our heads, getting really sweaty. It was just an awsome time.

      Then at the end of the show we hung around outside for a bit. The gate in the back opened up and there was wayne. We got to get some pics with him and Koichi the guitarist, and had him sign a lil thing of paper we had. we all just had a great time

Tuesday, 21 December 2004

  • Currently Playing
    System of a Down
    By System of a Down
    spiders
    see related

    Nothing much going on so i decided to put up a list of things i wanna do before i die....so here it is lol....

    1. Get pit tickets to a static-x  and/or system of a down concert

    2. Blow something up (not in a criminal way)

    3. Get married and stay married

    4. meet Clare Bell ( my favorite author )

    5. Get my F-250 truck ( raised,flames on it, big ass wheels,etc.) lol

    6. Get over my anxiety ( if you never have had social anxiety, you'll never know the difficulty of living with it)

    7. maybe learn how to play the drums one day lol

    8. find out where my horse trainer is buried and go visit his grave

    9. Take up horse riding lessons again ( its been so hard for me b/c i havent and probably will never find anyone like my old trainer again)

    10. If i get horse riding lessons, i want to goto a horse show and maybe later the grand prix, and win something, just for my old trainer ( he always wanted me to goto a show and he thought i would win, but i chickened out cuz of my anxiety, and i disappointed him )

    11. Go streaking through the mormon temple in utah yelling " THE DEVIL IS IN US ALL!!! THE DEVIL IS IN US ALL!!!"

    thats it for now, ill make a 2nd list later when i can think of more stuff lol

phyre102887

  • Visit phyre102887's Xanga Site
    • Name: Jamie
    • Metro:
    • Birthday: 10/28/1987
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 11/24/2004

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